Thursday, December 2, 2010

Twas The Night Before Christmas (Horror Version)

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the land
There were plenty of victims who’d die by my hand

I had sharpened my knives with such great care
I pulled up my hood and tucked back my hair

My victims were nestled all snug in their beds
Just waiting for me to come and bash in their heads

With the mother in her jammies and the hubby in his drawers
I entered their room then crept on all fours

When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter
I slashed through them both and watched the blood splatter

Away to the window I threw open the curtain
There’s no way I’d be caught, of that I was certain

When, what to my evil eyes should appear
Fuck it’s the cops, gotta get out of here

It was a fat old cop, gun drawn and ready
He took aim at the window, slow and steady

Faster than a gazelle, I leapt out of the way
This couldn’t be the end to my perfect day

He cried out “Put your hands up and come on outside
There’s nowhere to run and nowhere to hide”

Out through the door I sprinted down the hall
“Holy shit” I thought “That was a close call”

I ran down the stairs and escaped through the back
Went ‘round to the front and launched an attack

I smacked the cop in the face and made him squeal
A quick stab to the gut had sealed the deal

He fell to his knees then cried out in pain
With a twisted grin on my face I stabbed him again

He writhed and moaned like a two dollar whore
I wasn’t done yet, there was lots more in store

Cradling his head in my hand I gouged out his eyes
Then a noise from the roof caught me by surprise

As I looked to the sky a strange vision appeared
A man dressed in black with a scraggly old beard

He was at least 7 feet tall with a sinister sneer
And a big fat gut, hands clutching on to a beer

He looked down at me and said with a sly grin
“Go ahead my child unleash the evil within”

I grasped the blade firmly then jabbed into the cop
I had come this far, there’s no reason to stop

The surge of adrenaline flowed through my veins
Slammed the cop to the ground and stomped out his brains

This fight was over but I still wasn’t done
I had more houses to visit, man this shit’s fun

Peering up to the rooftop at my new friend
Asked him loudly “Do you have a message to send?”

He looked down from the roof and in a calm soothing voice
“You’ll do just fine my son, you’ve made the right choice”

I stood there in awe, at the dark vision before me
Stared at the carnage hmm, I had to agree

With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
I knew then and there I had nothing to dread

He spoke no more words but his actions were loud
He lifted his arms up then ascended into the clouds

As I stepped from the street and onto the grass
I heard him exclaim..

“MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU FUCKS, YOU CAN ALL KISS MY ASS”

Leathermouth And The Skeleton Crew

Leathermouth And The Skeleton Crew



I'll tell you a tale as old as The South
'Bout an evil old man they call Leathermouth

He claimed hundreds of victims both women and men
Unleashing his vengeance in the name of sin

He was ornery old cuss, feared far and wide
His skeleton crew rode by his side

Slaying all in their path with rage and disdain
They got their rocks off by inflicting pain

Dispersing their wrath with Leathermouth at the helm
Satan ruled below, but this was his realm

Leathermouth showed no mercy, ruled with an iron fist
With strength in numbers it was futile to resist

His Crew rode into town, and we were ready
We stood our ground, but were still unsteady

They attacked us with a fury, striking hard and fast
At the rate we were dropping, I knew we wouldn't last

They shot and killed my family and friends
It seemed like the mayhem would never end

When the dust finally settled and the sky became clear
I was face to face with the "Man" that I feared

I dropped to my knees admitting defeat
Leathermouth just sneered with a look of conceit

He took out his sword and lopped off my head
With no one to comfort, I was better off dead

The demons from Hell rose up from below
The sky turned dark with a brilliant red glow

They dragged my soul down into the void
My family was gone, My town was destroyed

So let this be a lesson, you had better heed
If you fight Leathermouths crew you won't succeed

You'll wind up down here, suffering in purgatory
And that's the gospel truth, it ain't no fuckin' story

Never Alone, Never Again

Never Alone, Never Again



Jonathan sits in his dimly lit bedroom as the multi-colored lights flickered outside his window wondering where he had gone wrong. It wasn’t too long ago that he lived the perfect life. He had a nice little house in the middle of town, a loving wife and 2 children. His job was going well; as a matter of fact he was up for a promotion.

But all that changed in an instant. A drunk driver had taken the lives of his beautiful wife and their darling children, leaving him alone, afraid and very angry at the world. His downward spiral into depression had cost him his job, which in turn cost him his house and most of his worldly possessions.

As all of the things in life he used to cherish were subtracted one by one his need for vengeance and revenge grew exponentially. All the love and caring in his heart was replaced by hatred and loathing. It was only a matter of time before his anger and hostility reared its ugly head forcing him to live out all his deepest, darkest desires.

It all started innocently enough though. Since his first career path didn’t quite work out like he had imagined Jonathan decided to move to the old family cabin on the outskirts of town and take up taxidermy as a means to support himself.

For the most part the new career kept him pretty busy, but he still had loads of free time. And he spent that time reminiscing about his wife and children as he drowned his sorrows in a bottle of cheap whiskey. The pain that he felt had grown to a fevered pitch. He even began to question his own existence. Why would Someone take the lives of his wife and children and leave him here all alone? On several occasions he even attempted to take his own life but at the last minute couldn’t go through with it.

Jonathan had given up all hope that he would ever find someone as caring and beautiful as his beloved wife. He finally had embraced the fact that he would probably die alone and no one would even know he was gone.

Then one day all of that changed, a young woman had come into his shop carrying a large burlap sack. The one thing Jonathan noticed right off the bat was that the woman looked eerily similar to his deceased wife. The second thing he noticed was the absence of a wedding band on her finger.

“Hi, do you work here?” she politely asked.

“Well, uh…Yes ma’am I do. Not only that I own the place.” He giddily replied.

The woman placed the burlap sack on the counter and spoke softly with a tear in her eye “I don’t even know if you do anything like this but…..” She trailed off.

Sensing that something was amiss Jonathan reached out and grasped the ladies hand “Go on honey, tell me what you need”.

The woman fought back the tears enough to tell Jonathan that inside the bag was her pet dog, Rufus. She had accidentally backed over him and since she had owned him since she was a little girl she wanted to know if Jonathan could stuff the dog and mount it so they would always be together.

Normally Jonathan dealt mostly with deer, moose, elk, and occasionally a few ducks and pheasants but there was no way he could turn down a face like that.

As she opened up the burlap sack so Jonathan could get a good look at what he was dealing with he told her that he would try his best but he couldn’t make any guarantees that the dog would be exactly like she remembered because he would have to restructure the entire facial area because it had taken the brunt of the damage.

The woman agreed and left the dog so Jonathan could work his magic. It took a full 2 weeks to get the job done but once he was finished he was sure this was his finest work to date. And when the woman arrived to pick her beloved family pet she wholeheartedly agreed.

This gave Jonathan a new lease on life, finally he was able to do something that brought someone great joy and happiness. But the moment was bittersweet. He had provided someone with the one thing he knew he could never have, true happiness. Because all he had held near and dear to his heart had been taken away from him.


But that was about to change, seeing this young woman that reminded him of his lovely wife had given him a new lease on life. He would do his best to ensure that he would never be alone again. As the woman left he looked down at the check that she paid with that listed all her vital information.

Later that night armed with the woman's address and a sharp butcher knife he set his plan into motion. He waited patiently outside her house tucked safely in the bed of his pickup until she arrived home. Acting quickly he jumped from the pickup and ran up to her, placing the razor sharp knife precariously close to her jugular vein.

“If you want to live, don’t scream and do exactly as I say” He whispered in her ear as he secured her hands in front of her body with a zip tie.

The woman did exactly as she was told and got into the vehicle with Jonathan. She didn’t immediately recognize him but as they drove further and further from town she finally spoke.

“You’re that taxidermy guy right?” she said in hushed tones.

Jonathan didn’t speak; instead he put the tip of the blade closer to her and gave a quick jab to her side. The woman flinched as the blade lightly pierced her skin; she knew it would be best to keep quiet from now on.

As they arrived at Jonathan's house he pulled her in close to him and kissed her lightly on the head. The woman's first reaction was to pull away but she knew this would more than likely anger her kidnapper so she remained still.

She didn’t say a word when he pulled her from the car and led her to a little wood shack out behind the main cabin. She remained quiet when he placed her on the rusty white table then strapped her down. A solitary tear ran down her cheek as he tilted the table and placed a piece of tape over her mouth.

As she looked around the room she began to wiggle and squirm a bit, but it was already too late. When Jonathan picked up a large knife and began to slice down the center of her body she began kicking and screaming as best she could. Jonathan merely sat on the stool and watched as the life slowly drained from her body.

Once the last trickle of blood left her body Jonathan began his work. He removed all her internal organs, fitted her with some of his wife's old clothes then mounted her on a pedestal. After all that’s what we’re told to do anyway right? When you love someone you put them on a pedestal and worship them with all your heart.

Which brings us to where we are now, as Jonathan sits in his chair rocking back and forth pensively staring at the 15 or 20 female cadavers that have been mounted, stuffed and arranged in various places around his bedroom. The still flickering lights from the neon sign outside that reads “Jons Taxidermy: You Kill Em, We Fill Em” flashes brightly.

He looks to the heavens with a solemn look on his face and cries out “You may have taken my wife and my children but now I will never be alone, never again.”